By, Stephen Scrobe – O2X Account Executive and Instructor
“If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.” This quote can be a hard ask for an entire industry of first responders that have dedicated their careers and often their lives to the service of others. We come to define ourselves as selfless in nature, sacrificing our energy, time, and often our health to serve the public. While we spend our resources focusing on keeping our communities safe, we have a bad habit of neglecting ourselves, and our families suffer in the process. Even more selfless, and thankless than the life of an officer, can be the life of an LEO spouse. There are no courses, guidelines, or support agencies readily available for the family of police officers. Certainly, none that can fully explain the anxiety, worry, late calls, missed holidays, and emotional roller-coaster that becomes a regular part of life. Ultimately, the goal is to arrive at retirement stronger physically, mentally, and spiritually than when you started, without sacrificing your family’s happiness along the way. The best way to get there? Look inward. Family support is the most consistent thing we can implement, not just from a time element, but from also having the most meaningful impact in our day to day lives. My goal is to give all law enforcement and their families measures and concepts they can implement immediately to navigate the difficulties we encounter, or at the very least spark the conversations that will lead to better communication in the home.
The biggest lesson I learned in my career unfortunately came after my time in law enforcement. I walked away after 15 years in a job I loved. My family had reached their limit. Watching me work six out of seven days of the week, pulling overtime to help make ends meet, stress over my K9 being trained well enough, struggling to turn off the “work” version of me, and holding myself to my agency’s demands had hit its breaking point. So, I left. I walked away to start a new business focusing on health and wellness. Here’s where the lesson came from. After struggling to find my footing running a business, my wife approached me and asked bluntly, “Who are you without your title?” My confused look must’ve said it all. So she repeated, “You need to figure out who you are without ‘K-9 Officer’ in front of your name.” Of course, at first, I was upset. This was me; how could I be anything else? I became immediately defensive. But she reassured me that she didn’t mean it as a personal dig, but as a self-realization and reflection I needed to consider. She reminded me that, above any other title, Father and Husband would always be more important. It hit me like a truck. I think we all face this in public safety at some point. We identify as our role, placing ourselves, our dreams, goals, needs, and personality to the rear-view. We do this to the point that we become dependent on being THIS person, THIS version of ourselves, and we’re so proud of that we won’t even consider the other aspects of our lives. I was sabotaging my life trying so hard to be this one title. Never be upset with someone in your life giving you a different perspective, or any measure of self-realization. This is the single biggest lesson to learn in spousal and family support. Appreciate the opinions and feelings of others with fresh eyes from what they see of you. It’s a good way to ask, “who are you without your title?” Then, honestly consider if you’re genuinely happy with that person.
There are no academy classes on how to keep from being jaded by the world we work in. Sarcasm, dark humor, cynicism, and practical jokes are staples of LEO culture. They don’t belong in the home. Authentic communication, being open and honest, not avoiding difficult conversations, and arguing to find solutions over the need to be “right” should be built into family communications. The calls we handle, the conversations with the ghosts of our past, and the never ending caseloads are stressful enough. Don’t create more problems for yourself. Your body doesn’t like when you lie, that’s how polygraphs work. The conflict you create in your mind by not being true to yourself will manifest itself in added stress (real or perceived), illness, and depression. Being able to talk about what you want, what you feel and why, without reservation or judgment is an invaluable tool for both stress management and family cohesiveness. Never leave your family guessing. Conversely, spouses need to communicate in a way that doesn’t make the officer in the family feel attacked for the obligations they have. Service jobs can be complicated, and understanding what is in (and out of) our control always needs to be considered. Furthermore, speaking with empathy is equally as important as speaking truthfully. Nobody wants a lecture, and the fastest way to shut down a conversation is to place blame. Talk to discover solutions together, not to win.
Support goes in every direction. Spouses aren’t there on-scene and can’t fully understand what officers are experiencing or have experienced. Some spouses can handle all the knowledge and details of the situations you’ve been through, some can’t. Being able to explain your experiences reasonably without trauma dumping all over your support system is a learned skill. We don’t want to be a burden to those we love, but we also can’t keep the traumatic experiences to ourselves, compartmentalized away somewhere so they can come back later with a vengeance. A LEO’s mental baggage can’t always be handled well at home. Try to find a health support outlet if you can’t communicate work stress in your household. There’s no shame in asking for professional assistance. Formalized therapy, EAP’s, peer support programs, and ministry are great places to start.
There’s no official handbook on how to de-stress, but healthier options include exercise, talking, journaling, therapy, meditation, sunlight and good sleep hygiene. All the better when done together, mindfully. Be present in the moment you’re in and appreciate what is currently doing. “Is your head where your feet are?” is a good mental check to make sure you aren’t robbing today’s happiness with yesterday’s trauma or tomorrow’s worry.
For a family to support their LEO they should try to notice changes in the officer when something bad happens at work. Check for symptoms of depression or anxiety. Turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms like excessive alcohol, nicotine, self-destructive behavior, reclusiveness, or obsession with being only around other officers “who understand” are only a few common signs. For LEO’s to support their family they need to be in tune with their evolution into the LEO lifestyle. Your spouse will take on your paranoia, social anxiety, and general dislike for society just as hard as we do. Outlets are important for the both of you, and those outlets need to be something other than rehashing old crazy stories of what happened on shift the past two months with other LEOs/LEO wives. Find a healthy outlet that is uniquely yours as a family or couple that takes you away from the LEO life.
Children are a tough discussion. For all the good we do, they may not see what we do as a good thing. I can’t begin to count how many LEO’s have children who resent police work. This career will take us away from them night after night, calling us away as we’re sworn to do. Consider how hard that can be to watch from their perspective. This may be hard to hear, but your kids don’t care how many arrests you made last year, or understand why you had to take drugs off the streets, or why you missed another birthday. They just want you. In the years where they develop their biggest sense of safety, support, and security that will help shape their confidence for the rest of their life, they just want you. No, we can’t be there all the time. Our schedules and commitments physically won’t allow it. So, let’s instead focus on the quality of the time we do get. Be present. When you’re home, be home. Put the phone down. Get off the TV. Be selfish about the time you do have at home and act like it’s the most precious thing you could be given. At the end of the day, it is. Time is the only currency we can’t get back once it’s spent. So the place you spend your time is what you really value.
LEO life is a family beyond family. You become a part of this community that has its own lifestyle and mindset. You’re fully aware of it and feel it every time another thin blue line gets posted. We win together and we grieve together. And you never leave that family. For better or worse, you can’t walk away from all of the pride, heartache, excitement, anxiety, or stress this world brings. But what we can be doing better is supporting each other. Specifically, encouraging the bravery it takes to say, “We need help.” Normalize the conversations around what it means to be “okay” and how other families you know are responding to the stress of the job.
Finally, take the time to ask yourself, “Who are you, without your title?”. Then, go home and love your family.
About O2X Account Executive and Instructor Stephen Scrobe:
Stephen Scrobe is a Municipal Account Executive at O2X Human Performance. With over 15 years of Law Enforcement experience, he had the privilege of serving as a K-9 Officer, SWAT Team Leader, and Training Detective during his tenure. Stephen started with O2X as a Lead Instructor and is also the Co-Founder of Heart and Sol, LLC, which coaches families to take charge of their health and fitness through online and in-person training, classes, and educational workshops. Stephen is a Certified Strength and Conditioning Specialist (CSCS) and Tactical Strength and Condition Facilitator (TSAC-F) through the NSCA. As a collegiate wrestler and rugby player, Stephen has always had a passion for training and fitness and continues this passion as a HYROX Pro competitor and Ironman Triathlete.
About O2X Human Performance:
O2X Human Performance provides comprehensive, science-backed programs to hundreds of public safety departments, federal agencies, and the military. O2X works with clients to elevate culture, improve mental and physical wellbeing, support healthy lifestyles, and reduce healthcare costs associated with injuries and illnesses. Driven by results and cutting edge research, O2X programs are designed and delivered by a team of Special Operations veterans, high level athletes, and hundreds of leading experts in their respective fields of human performance.
